2021-2022

Hola! 

It's been a long time since I write. The last time was at 2021 and it was my darkest time :') I'm glad that I survived, and always, always trying to be a better version of myself. I did some self-reflections, journalling, recognizing my emotions, and I got a lot better. I still have some flaws, but I won't stop learning.

Hmm, where should I start?

I graduated pre-clinic at 2021 and starting my clicinal years. At that time, I was really an awful person. I was very sensitive, crybaby, and emotionally unstable. I got irritated easily. At that time, I blame my situation. A situation when I was a chief of an organization. Therefore, there were many problems and my position as a chief got prolonged. But as time goes by, I realized I was wrong. It's my fault. I should have been stronger and more responsible for such a high position. I shouldn't have run away at that time, but face it, think with a cool head, and discuss with my seniors more. 

After I stepped down from my position, I was delighted. It felt like coming out from a dark and cramped place. I learn many things, both knowledge and empathy. I was still sensitive but not as bad as the year before. My co-ass life was really fun! I got many friends, I smiled and talked a lot--a lot that even my friends get annoyed, lol. My favorites are internal medicine, pediatric, and anesthesia. I saw the patient's mother who looked after her child 24 hours a day, an elderly patient who was treated alone without anyone accompanying her, the crying of  a family when a family member died, the warmness of a patient when I, who was just a medical student (istilahnya keset), was checking her vital sign, the mother who waited for 5 p.m every day to visit her baby who's being treated in PICU (jam besuknya jam 5-6 aja).

Bagian sini pakai bahasa indonesia aja karena aku susah translatenya, wkwk. Ada satu momen yang sangat membekas buatku di saat stase anak. Jadi saat itu aku sedang jaga malam di bangsal anak bagian akut. Jaga di bangsal anak itu ada laporan ttv pagi, jadi subuh-subuh aku keliling bangsal buat periksa pasiennya satu-satu. Ada satu anak, sebut saja A, kalau tidak salah diagnosisnya leukemia. Ketika aku mau periksa dia, ibunya bertanya apa boleh terakhir aja diperiksanya, karena anaknya lagi tidur dan sebelumnya anaknya sulit tidur. Ya udah, akhirnya aku ke pasien yang lain. Sampai akhirnya selesai semua pasien, tinggal A yang belum aku periksa. Saat itu aku lelah karena tidak tidur semalaman. Selesai periksa, harus mencatat dan hitung cairan keluar masuk semua pasien dan harus selesai sebelum jam 6 pagi, karena setelah itu ada visite pagi dengan residen dan konsulen. Ibu A sedang solat subuh. Karena aku tidak sabaran, aku langsung periksa saja anaknya, terus anaknya nangis dan gelisah, manggil-manggil mamanya. Setelah itu, mamanya marahin aku. Bener-bener marah gitu sambil nenangin anaknya. Aku tahu aku salah, aku merasa bersalah banget, padahal solat subuh bisa ditunggu gitu lho 2 rakaat doang :( anaknya bener-bener jadi rewel dan gelisah, padahal baru tidur sebentar. Aku minta maaf berkali-kali ke ibunya dan alhamdulillah beliau maafin aku. Hingga akhirnya 1-2 minggu kemudian... saat periksa pasien pagi hari. Jadi kamar-kamar di bangsal anak kan banyak ya bednya. Ada 1 kamar yang ibu-ibu pasiennya lagi pada nggak ada, cuma ada 1-2 orang aja. Ibu-ibu yang ada di kamar itu bilang kalau yang lain lagi pada ke IGD untuk menjenguk ibu A karena A meninggal di IGD :(((( aku langsung sedih banget keinget momen waktu itu... huhuhu. May you rest in peace, beautiful angel. Kamu dan ibumu kuat banget. Dari sini aku jadi belajar untuk lebih berempati dan tidak memikirkan diri sendiri.

Well, that's the point. I learn a lot from my patients. Aku gak bisa cerita semua detail tiap stase, intinya semuanya berkesan. Jaga malam, dinas daerah, jaga di IGD, semuanya seru! Sampai akhirnya tahun 2023 bulan Juni aku selesai stase koas. Buat cerita tahun 2023 aku lanjut di postingan yang lain. That's it for today. I hope I can consistently write in the future.

Adiós!